I consider myself creative and talented. But I do not consider myself confident. Now every once in a while, if I have a friend by my side, I have a burst of confidence. I have the ability to be confident for other people but not for myself.
As a child, I would say I was born with confidence, most people probably are born with confidence. The reason I am so sure is because I have proof of either my weirdness before I contained it or my confidence shining through before I lost it.
Me and my weird self proudly in the front row.
I remember as a child I would purposefully pose for photos. I would even pose candid photos. My mother prides herself on catching “candid” shots, but there are quite a few times I remember posing when she was trying to snap a photo:
I knew my good side and wanted it photographed.
In first grade, I remember being confident and full of creativity. Creative writing was my favorite thing to do in class. I could not transcribe my thoughts fast enough. I would get cramps from writing so quickly. Having that type of creativity flow from a brain was and is inspiring. The only other time in my life I remember having that type of flow is when I would have a surplus of emotion. Writing was my way of releasing that emotion and processing it fully.
In my years of school, I realized that when forced to be creative I produce lackluster work. I found myself crippled with the fear of not being as good as everyone else. My classmates would never see my work, and I never saw my classmates work. The fear of not matching up to them was not backed by anything but my feeling of not being as talented. I stopped myself from being my best by the fear of not being my best. How messed up is that?
Now that I have been out of school a year struggling to find a job. I have learned (at least it feels like it) that I can’t base my confidence on everyone else, it has to come from me. I am still not super confident, but I am confident enough to create. I posted this blog. I have posted some art and plan to post more. Being constantly inspired by the world around me is euphoric. It is incredible what a little confidence can do for a creative. If you are stuck in a rut creatively try to build your confidence. Listen to some bumping jams and go on a search for kindergarten confidence.
